NO · sex · in · the · Champainge · room

It is my belief in this world, there are 4 types of people.

1. The person who is photogenic in pictures and life. These people tend to know how good they look and generally have everything go perfectly.
2. The person who is photogenic in pictures but not life. These people tend to think they are better than everyone else at any given time.
3. The person who is not photogenic in pictures but is in life. These people tend to have lower self esteem because they don't realize how good they look, and tend to be on the emo side, but are amazing people.
4. The person who is not photogenic in pictures nor life. These people are always searching for something. They don't take into consideration what anyone else thinks or feels. They don't care to even try.

Moral of the story. If you can't lead a honest, decent life, you don't understand the concept of humanity. It is also my belief that you live life to the fullest, not to seek how much you can get for yourself, but it relates to broader perspective.

So I got an A out of Accounting. And I'm still depressed. Now I for sure have no fucking clue why. I was just looking at pictures, so maybe it's because I miss people...or else...maybe it's because I miss that person who I was in those pictures. I hate being depressed because I never get the goals I want to accomplish done when I am. I mean I've done little things to distract me...like dying my hair, getting a piercing or tattoo, being tan, will change my point of view about myself amoungst other issues and the fact remains that it doesn't. I think I shall nap and do laundry and pack. At least that will distract me.

Sam and I have decided to quit smoking. It's not like we need it...besides bad for health...bad for goals...(running we mostly i almost died). It's not like i have to have my cigarettes. i told lola today that after my final on friday i'm going to rip up the remaining cigs i have and throw them away. i mean the universe doesn't obviously want me to smoke or else, my new lighter wouldn't have broken, i wouldn't have been locked outside once with lola for a very long time, my sweatshirt wouldn't have a hole in it from when the locksmith couldn't open the door and i had to crawl through a window instead, i'm just not a fan of smoking either... and i would never date anyone who smokes... as hyprocritical as that is. it's a disgusting habit and i'm pretty sure my lungs are all black and soupy looking just like in the commericals. i don't want to talk through a hole in my neck one day...and i certainly don't want cancer... so my only alternative is not to smoke at all. not one wee bit. and meanwhile i bought another pack today why? because i'm stressed. i'm so scared...so so so scared for my final...it determines everything. if i get certified...if i can go on with my major... i might just crap my pants i'm that scared. so now i'm going to go unwind, leisurely smoke a cigarette and secretly hate myself for doing that, then study my lady lumps off.

I've recently been looking at my life plotting out what I want, what I need, and everything in between. I've been really stressed lately about my mom and skin cancer, missing family and friends from home desperately afraid that being apart from them for so long will make my relationships with them fade away. Not to mention my job which I've been weighting the pros and cons as well. I am not the person I want to be and the person I know I am right now and that tears me apart. Sometimes you get caught up in the day to day things that you forget and postpone the future. The thing is that doesn't help me at all. Just doing enough to get through each day and not living up to the potential that each day may bring is a waste of time and ultimately a waste of life. Sam is my new workout buddy and we plan to spend an hour each and everyday getting into shape, not that that is the most important thing but it's a small step in getting my life in the order which it needs to be and that I want it to be. I'm an addictive person. Not meaning that oh you will love me no matter, meaning I get hooked on things and it's hard for me to separate myself when things need to change. You can become accepting of how your life is even if you don't like how it's playing out. Like right now my day consist of getting up as late as I can, working as little as I can, vegging, reading chick lit which is not so intellectual, and putting off doing laundry and other 'need to be done' things as well as napping. Not so exciting. Actually pretty much dead. With few interaction since my hall is anti-social and filled with people whom I wouldn't be thrilled to have as friends. That and most people staying for the summer aren't my favorite people on earth, but what can you do. I've been hanging out with people whom I thought I wouldn't because closer friends are staying here this summer. But closer friends are turning in to distant friends and accquaintences are turning into better and good friends. That is my second step of putting my life in order. I've dealt with some pretty flaky and all together negative "toxic" friends...well more like frenemies...during this past year and that has made me aggrivated and distraught when I shouldn't have thought twice about those people. But I'm a people pleaser, as many people are. Good person all around but when it comes down to it, it's the good people who are consistantly walked all over and treated like they are worthless. Self love is important but too much makes you conceded and too little makes you self conscious. My third step: balance. Balance between my needs and others, balance between school work and my social life and balence between everything inbetween. The most important thing is not self love, but faith in one's self to be the best person you can be. Good hearted, determined, loving, aware of what's going on (not in a beligerent state but knowing where you should be, were your support should lie), optimistic, kind...not one of these characteristics should be overlooked for any that leads to destruction of your faith, love and hope.

P.S. If you are religious or spiritual or both please keep my mother in your prayers.
P.P.S. Cecil is having issues as well, I'm hoping she stops screeching everytime the steering wheel moves a milimeter.

summa summa summa time!

oooooooooooooh...

WHY IS IT THAT both MY BESTEST FRIENDS FROM HOME...have to follow their parents to moving to California...that's it...my parents will have to too. I miss california. Why must life throw these obstacles??? BOOOOO!

Ashley staying til WEDNESDAY! wahoo! CANADA in two weeks! another WAHOO!! Loving it! I have to find another job. 100 a week is simply not enough to survive on with my lifestyle. SOOOO I'm applying to all sorts of places. Fun. Or something like that...sureeeeeee.

My residents called me last night and were like "where are you?" so at 4 o clock in the morning I got picked up and was very much amused for a good 2 hours. They are so crazy. I love it. UM.

THANK GAWD for the end of the semester. I didn't do as well as I anticipated. It sucks. BUT there is always next semester. B+ in food science because she doesn't give out A-'s...B in anthro because the prof was a rastisfarian...hoping grades in poli sci are in the B+- A- range. And stats...that class is a rapist if you take it with Ahn...DON'T take it with Ahn.

I'm really getting sick of Pullman but I'm hoping summer will change my mind. If not I'm def going home and there's no point in me staying here if I can't concentrate enough to the point where success is within a visible range. I am desperately seeking changing my major.

CANADA ROUND DOS!!!!!

lovey yous.

*shmec*

...when I flick it, it comes all over my hand...
a quote from miss ashley tracey...totally not dirty at all.

"EUNICE HANDS!!"

"Eunice why didn't you wake me up?"
"You looked so serene! I made you breakfast darling!"

Ahhh good times with Eunice quotes.

I watched a car back over a recycling bin. HILARIOUS.

Um...Sellas was not friendly.

My chinese zodiac said I should marry a cock...or a snake.

"tonight sucked, the only thing I got was sore nuts." some random guy walking past me. kind of confirmed the neighbors were having an orgy.

My random self is procrastinating so therefore...none of this might make sense. Most of it probably will not.

Today sucks. And I can't possibly see myself at a lower point than I'm at right now.